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Chapter 3
Time: CY9866 – AD 4943 mid OctoberLocation: the Forged in Flame - Megaera Lawford's stateroom
"You missed your scheduled period in the adaption room today, Major," said the holographic image of the Flames' artificial intelligence.
"I'll make up for it later, Sera," replied Megaera looking up from the flexie she had been studying. "Besides you've already adjusted the internal temperature and humidity inside the Flame to that of Arzawa."
"There's a big difference between sitting at your desk doing administrative work in heat and humidity and engaging in combat in the same, Major," answered Sera. "You're going to have to adapt to the planet. It's not going to adapt to you. So why weren't you in the adaption room this afternoon?"
Our pet sky pilot was in the room during my time period and I didn't feel like talking to him. I'll make up the time during my off period tonight. I promise.
A look of annoyance came over the holograph's face. 'With all due respect Major, you're letting your personal feelings get in the way of your professional duties. You're not preparing yourself for the operation and what's worse you're setting a bad example for your subordinates. How do you expect the junior enlisted to follow your orders if you set the bad example by not following your commanding officer's orders concerning the adaption room training? Just what is your problem with the monk? Others have noticed it and have started talking about it.
"He was on Alusdra when Robert died," said Megaera. "It should have been me who was there with him."
"Do you honestly think that your presence would have made any difference?" asked Sera.
"Robert and I were close," insisted Megaera. "Much closer than a regular brother and sister. Sera raised on eyebrow in a speculative manner and Megaera realizing that her words could be interpreted in more than one way hurried on to explain. "All our lives we were always there there to watch each other's backs and then when he needed me the most I wasn't there. If I had been the one there instead of Sky Pilot I might have been able to help him."
"Major," said Sera somewhat sharply, crossing her hands across her chest as she spoke, "you're a competent officer, but you're not superhuman. The most likely scenario of you being there with your brother would be that your family would have had two deaths to mourn not just one."
"You wouldn't understand," replied Megaera. "You've never had to mourn the loss of a friend or family member."
Sera's eyes widened in shock. Her arms snapped down to her sides, held rigidly against her body her hands tightly clinched. She opened her mouth but no sound emerged. An instant later she flicked out from view, as she vanished the lights and gravity in Megaera's room flickered off than back on again. From outside her stateroom Megaera heard the sound of excited voices.
Sera reappeared in the stateroom as the gravity stabilized. Her hair which normally hung loose over her shoulders was now a mass of flames. "You fool," she snarled. "You know nothing. I've lost more friends and loved ones than you can possibly imagine. Every Lancer who serves aboard me is almost like one of my children, and every time one of you dies in combat a piece of me dies with you. You've mourned for a few dozen lost comrades and loved ones. I've mourned for hundreds. Do you think you're the only Lancer who's ever lost a loved one? When the Ark Royal was destroyed during the initial landings on Tizona I lost my beloved as well. Raliegh was the Ark's AI, and my husband. When the Ark was hit I was close enough to him that I could have downloaded him into my systems but the Nietzscheans were putting up heavy jamming preventing me from establishing the link. I might have been able to cut through the jamming but I would have needed to divert EW resources I was using to support the landing. Resources that were being used to ensure that your grandfather made it safely to the planet. I had to choose between saving my husband or supporting the drop and I chose my duty. I'll have to live with my choice for the rest of my existence so don't tell me that I have no idea how it feels to loose a loved one. I know all too well how it feels."
Megaera stood silent for a moment digesting Sera's words. Up to this point she had never considered the personal lives of the artificial intelligences that called themselves High Guard warships. Like most Tizonans she simply took their existence for granted. She knew intellectually that they had the same feelings and emotions as humans and formed relationships among themselves and among organic intelligences, but the knowledge had always been abstract she had never felt it emotionally until now. "How do you handle it Sera?" she asked. "How do you keep going on when those you care about are dying all around you?"
Sera's hair assumed its normal form and the tone of her voice changed from anger to understanding. " You go on because the ones who died would want you to go on and to take care of the living. You go on because you owe it to those who died not to let their deaths be useless. And you don''t hold in your feelings. You share them with those who will listen and understand. I've cried on the shoulders of every AI in the fleet and they've all shared their sorrows with me. I even once cried with your grandfather. It was when Major Kogar died. You'll go on Major. You'll go on because you have to."
"I'm not that strong, Sera," said Megaera. "I never want to get hurt again the way I felt when I learned Robert died. You can only get hurt if you let people get close to you. If you keep everyone at arms length you can't feel and if you cant feel you can't get hurt. "
"That's no way to live Meg," responded Sera sadly deliberately using Megaera's name rather than rank. "In fact it's not living at all. It's simply waiting to die. I can't order you to talk to Childers about your feelings but I think you should." She changed the subject. "You still need to put your time in the adaption room. I've notified the Colonel that you'll be in at 1900 tonight. He says he'll be there as well."
"I'll be there Sera.," said Megaera. "but I have one more question. Do you really think that Robert and I had an incestuous relationship?"
"Of course not." said the ships AI. "But it would have
made such juicy gossip if it were true."
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